Fic: An Innocent Inquisition (1/1 Criminal Minds)

[thefrogg]

Title: An Innocent Inquisition
Author: Frogg
Beta: Adam
Series: Of Innocence & Empathy
Rating: FRT-13, mention of torture
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Damnit.
Author's Note: This is shortly after Breaking the World.
Author's Other Note: Dedicated to fluffnutter.

"Did I ever thank you?" Spencer asked, glancing up at Gideon across the remains of breakfast.

Gideon raised an eyebrow. "For?"

"What you said at the...the Hayes'," he whispered, then looked away, guilt weighing heavy on his shoulders.

"I couldn't know you could see us and not do something." Gideon frowned. "He used that against you, though. Didn't he?"

"I--yes. That's why..." Spencer stopped, sipping at his coffee.

"That's why...?" Gideon prompted.

"I...Gideon, can I ask..."

"Spencer, Hotch and Morgan and I talk about you, yes, but we don't, we aren't going to betray a confidence."

Spencer knew that wasn't necessarily true, but he let it slide. "I just...I don't want Hotch to know."

Gideon's brow furrowed, his expression one of concerned confusion.

"Did you ever wonder what would have happened if, if those girls had held out just a little longer? I mean, we were so close, an hour or two might have made the difference. Maybe less."

"In North Mammon."

Spencer nodded.

"Spencer..."

"I know, I know," Spencer said quickly.

"Torture works whether you're aware of what's going on or not," Gideon finished despite the interruption.

"They didn't have a chance."

"Neither did you," Gideon said, his voice impossibly gentle.

Spencer could only stare, pain and self-loathing turning his eyes dark. "Does it still work if you're the one responsible?"

Indignant determination flashed across Gideon's face. "It wasn't your fault. You couldn't have known--"

"Gideon, I'm not talking about getting caught." He ducked his head, wheezing as his ribs protested.

"Take it easy."

"Easy for you to say."

"I've had cracked ribs before."

Spencer bit his lip rather than snap back. "I didn't have to kill him," he said finally, unable to meet Gideon's eyes.

"Oh?"

"We..." and he swallowed, glancing first to one side, then the other. Licked his lips. "We were still working on a profile - Hankel wasn't a suspect when we went to talk to him. But once, once I knew, once he had--I had a lot of time to, to think, to plot out variations, what he would do, how he would respond. If I got it wrong. If you did something else."

Gideon kept his peace, let Spencer gather his thoughts.

Spencer finally looked up at him, eyes full of anguish. "I played him like a fish. I played them against each other. I, I gave Tobias the support he needed to defy Charles. I knew...when you talked to me from the Hayes', I knew...Raphael would use it against me. I knew he'd go after one of you. I knew you'd be watching, that you could, could defend yourselves, and maybe..." He ran shaking hands over his face. "When, when Raphael made me choose one of you, I told him to kill me instead. I had to make him use the gun, I had to make him...it was a revolver, I could...see the shell, I knew *that* time wasn't going to kill me. I knew when I had to give him Hotch, because I couldn't give him... It was a game, moving chess pieces, cat and mouse, and I strung him along and let him think he had all the power and I killed him and I didn't have to..."

"He did have all the power," Gideon said simply. "You had to use every tool at your disposal just to stay alive. Just to give us information to try and find you."

"No, no," Spencer shook his head, hissing in pain at the sudden motion. "You don't understand..."

"What does Hotch have to do with it? Why didn't you want him to know?"

Spencer's Adam's apple bobbed up and down as he fought for words.

"You know he doesn't blame you for anything."

"I played him the same way," Spencer admitted in a tiny, guilt-stricken voice.

"No, Spencer, you gave him information he needed, we all needed," Gideon countered. "The one thing we all were thinking was that the only thing we needed to crack the case was you, and you were the reason we needed to crack the case. And you came through for us anyways. I can't tell you how proud of you I am, I don't have the words."

Spencer said nothing, only mangled the napkin held between his fingers.

"Besides, Hotch is your mom." Gideon couldn't help but smile. "I think he'd give a great deal more for your life and sanity than just being an information pipeline to Garcia."

"Have I stopped? Was that--"

"We're a family, Spencer, it's human nature to give the people we care about tools to protect ourselves and each other. That's what you did with Hotch, nothing more, nothing less. You're not using him. You're not a danger to him."

The dark spectre of genetics reared its ugly head, sending a cold shiver down Spencer's spine.

"More coffee?" Gideon offered, rising from his place at the table.

Blinking in startlement, Spencer noted his empty mug, then held it out as much as he could without hurting himself. "Please?"

"Of course."

Spencer stared at the table, listening to the steading clinking sound of Gideon stirring sugar into his coffee.

"I'm surprised you didn't ask," Gideon said blandly, setting the mug back on the table and retaking his seat.

"It's not like I wasn't expecting Derek to take some time for himself." Spencer shrugged.

Gideon looked surprised. "It doesn't bother you that he left without a word?"

"He made sure I wasn't alone. I don't really think that's 'without a word'." Spencer clenched his jaw. "I wasn't the only one tortured. I, I was just the only one with any influence over it."

"Derek's talking to Hotch at the moment. I think. He'll probably be gone a few days. Is that okay with you? I could--"

"No, no, that's fine. Just...I don't want to be surprised when he gets back." Some subconscious tension faded at the news.

Gideon frowned, picking up something, but unwilling to push. Thankfully. "All right."

Sighing, Spencer nodded, starting to slump in his seat. His ribs made him straighten suddenly, eyes opening on a flash of agony.

"Take it easy," Gideon said again.

"You'd think. I'd learn," Spencer managed between panting breaths. It was true; he had learned, as a child, a teenager bullied by those older, bigger, stronger. As a member of the BAU, he'd been protected, insulated, and those hard-earned lessons had begun to fade. He was paying for it now.

"Hmm. Some lessons I'd rather you not have to."

"So would I," Spencer whispered.

Gideon nodded. "Speaking of questions...you didn't have to kill him?"

Spencer swallowed hard, eyes showing white before he could bring himself to answer. "I, I had to give him...I had to confess to something he'd want to kill me for. Something he'd...have to untie me for. I saw the lights, I knew you were...I was lucky, he was facing the wrong way, but he could have turned around...I'd already dug my grave figuratively, I knew he'd make me do it literally..."

"Seeing you next to that half-dug grave will give me nightmares for the rest of my life," Gideon admitted softly.

Color drained from Spencer's face. "D-don't g-g-get me started." Gideon wasn't the only one dreaming about it.

Gideon risked reaching across the table to squeeze Spencer's hand.

Spencer couldn't suppress a flinch; physical contact was going to take some time to be okay again. He could only be thankful he managed not to pull away. "There were things I c-could have done, I knew how, how to play them...but I, I arranged it. So that the gun would be on the shell. And I could get it."

"What else were you going to be able to do? You had a broken foot, a concussion, you'd been drugged and beaten and dehydrated...I know Derek's been working on your hand-to-hand, but you had no chance at all against him."

"I could have--"

"You had no room for error, Spencer," Gideon interrupted, fierce and implacable. "None."

Spencer gulped, twitched his hand beneath Gideon's and hated the fact that he felt relieved when Gideon let go.

"If you didn't have to kill him - and you did, it wasn't an option - why did you?"

Tears glazed Spencer's eyes. He couldn't answer. He couldn't not answer.

"Spencer?"

"I had to save myself."

~~~the end~~~

Previous:  Breaking the World
Next:      To Logical Conclusions

Comments

[lilmoonbunny16.livejournal.com]

o_O amazing! but it was that last line that really did it for me...it gave me shivers.......more please? ^_^

[thefrogg.livejournal.com]

My muse is tying me in knots. I so did not expect all this from Spencer.

Let's hear it for ambiguous endings!

[fluffnutter.livejournal.com]

Interesting. Not at all what I expected -- which is not a bad thing, but I'm going to have to mull this one over for a bit. There's so much going on that ISN'T being said.

The last line was perfect.

Write on!

[thefrogg.livejournal.com]

Ok, while you mull over what I actually wrote, why don't you let me know what you were expecting?

Man, every time I read through this again, it's like my brain is playing connect-the-dots and trying to peel an onion, at the same time.

[fluffnutter.livejournal.com]

Man, every time I read through this again, it's like my brain is playing connect-the-dots and trying to peel an onion, at the same time.

And that's part of what I wasn't expecting. I'm all for not stating the obvious, but this bordered on obtuse. Of course, I also read this after a long day at school and my brain may not be in the best state to read between the lines.

....

And I just re-read it. And it makes a lot more sense now. And I can better appreciate what you are doing with this chapter. (And can I start one more sentence with And? Apparently I can.)

That "connect-the-dot, peel the onion feeling" comes in part from Spencer's own scattered state of mind as he struggles to come to grips with what happened to him and what he did. It also comes because his mind works so fast that he makes connections that seem random to us "normal" folks.

So, wow -- this really was a good chapter. I just wasn't expecting to have to think this much. My brain has an owie. (Can Spencer come kiss it better?)

Well done! (But can the next chapter involve less thinking? *giggle*)

[thefrogg.livejournal.com]

I'm glad it makes sense to someone. Mind explaining it to me? I wrote the damn thing, and I'm still trying to figure out what the heck I was trying to do with it. Beyond the obvious. And about fifteen layers of subtext and avoided issues.

I mean, I got the idea for it, and sat on it while I wrote other stuff. Then I wrote a bunch of other stuff that I hadn't had the ideas for when I had this in the back of my mind, and it decided to completely change and tie into them (e.g. A Dark World Dreaming). I've been playing connect-the dots between supposedly unrelated stories, and finding layer after layer after layer of stuff I wasn't aware I was actually writing into it...::whine:: My muse outsmarts me. A lot.

Spencer is...trying to process what happened to him in relation to his experiences on the outside of similar traumas (Natural Born Killer, North Mammon), and well.

I'd like to say more, but I wanna let other people try and figure this stuff out (including me).

Hey, you picked the chapter! I'm not sure I can write something all that straightforward at this point. There's just too many dots and layers to avoid.

[thefrogg.livejournal.com]

And you still managed to not tell me what you were expecting.

[raphael0877.livejournal.com]

I'm still digesting this. Like a good meal. I've re-read it a couple of times now and get more understanding each time; a few things are still hazy(did he really think his Bible quote to Hotch was playing him??) but I think I get most of it. I like the way you wrote this, tho; it couldn't be a simple straightforward chapter because that isn't how it all happened, at least for Reid, and that definitely isn't the way he thinks - in one of your other chapters Prentiss tells Reid he makes her head hurt and I understand now :). Because of his injuries (esp the head trauma) and the drugs his entire kidnapping experience was very surreal; in a way this chapter had to be, also. At least it was to me.

I'm glad you brought in the whole revolver thing - I've thought about how he'd be able to see which chamber the bullet was in and know when he had to make Raphael stop.

[thefrogg.livejournal.com]

I have this sneaking suspicion that if I wrote a list of everything I'm trying to do in a chapter, every tiny little nuance, and compared it to a similar list of everything you (the readerS) are getting out of it, the lists would be...well. Not the same.

Which is okay with me, cause I just use all the stuff I didn't realize I was writing in another chapter, whether it's five chapters later or a dozen chapters earlier. Which just...boggles my mind.o_O

Reid really isn't at a point where he can step back and think rationally about what he was doing to Hankel vs. trying to communicate with the team. He spent the entire time going "If I say this, he'll do that, if the cameras are on, then Gideon will say that..." and it all got tangled up in his head until he can't tell the difference. That's kind of how A Dark World Dreaming snuck its way in here.

I blame matociquala for the revolver part. I mostly watch the show for the entertainment and the interpersonal relationships, but the nitpicky details elude me. Or did until I started reading her LJ.

Now I have to go write another chapter reconciling this one with God's Will in Earnest. The horror.

(BTW, this whole chapter - the whole darn thing - was supposed to be dealing with that bit in the middle about Derek leaving and Spencer being...not upset about it. Then uh. I read the aforementioned LJ, and wrote A Dark World Dreaming and my muse goes...Wouldn't reid get more messed up if he'd been running the show?)

[fluffnutter.livejournal.com]

I didn't, did I? Bwa-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!

I sort of had this "vision" of Spencer waking up alone -- Derek having freaked out and gone off to Hotch (eventually) -- and Spencer calls Gideon in a panic. That would explain how Gideon got there (and why) and also why Hotch was nervously expecting Derek.

That might have taken more plot, however, than you usually give in one chapter.

But now that I've processed it -- I like this chapter. It's Spencer trying to deal and process and clinging to the idea that no one's figured out he's a drug addict. It works.

So now I'm looking foward to the next chapter!

[thefrogg.livejournal.com]

Yep, you did.

Derek would not have left Spencer alone. He wouldn't have left until Gideon got there - and I argued with my muse a lot over whether or not To Logical Conclusions should start when Gideon arrived at Derek's, or Derek arrived at Hotch's. The latter won. Between the mental/emotional damage, and Spencer's broken foot and cracked ribs...well. He has a hard time getting around/taking care of himself without help.

If I try to put more plot in, I end up with Swiss cheese.::grumbles::

Yay! Too much think per chapter might be bad.:( But Spencer's more clinging to the belief that nobody knows Raphael raped him, and that Derek's the only one who knows/helped him steal the Dilaudid (which he's not taking, btw.).

Next chapter depends on what my muse hits me with!::grumbles about finals::