Fic: A Dark World Dreaming (1/1 Criminal Minds)

[thefrogg]

Title: A Dark World Dreaming
Series: Of Innocence and Empathy
Author: Frogg
Beta: Adam
Rating: FRT-13, mention of torture
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Damnit.
Word Count: 785
Author's Note: Yet another post-Revelations fic, sometime after A Limit to Generosity.

"He fell asleep again? It was his turn to pick the movie..."

"He's seen it before, JJ, it's not like he can notice something new." Emily reached over and slowly turned the table lamp up a bit, leaving the room cast in shadows.

"Spencer feels safe and protected here. I'd be more concerned if he hadn't fallen asleep," Gideon added, an indulgent smile on his face.

"You do have to admit, it's cute." Garcia reached into her purse.

"Penelope--" Derek's tone was warning; he could feel every twitch and flex of Spencer's muscles against him. He knew this dream, this nightmare. The pattern of pull-relax in the shoulders, the cast vibrating against his knee.

"What? I just want to take a picture." She pointed her cameraphone.

"Garcia, don't." The words were sharp this time, Derek cursing his immobility.

It was too late; the flash went off, temporarily blinding everyone.

"See?" Garcia chortled a little at the photo displayed on screen.

Spencer stirred, mouth opening and closing on silent protest, fingers curling into claws and digging furrows in Derek's tee-shirt.

"It's okay," Derek whispered, trying to sooth his partner and failing. He tilted his head, eyeing Garcia upside down from his position on the floor. "Next time I tell you not to--" He broke off on a grunt, lungs collapsing as Spencer shoved himself off his chest in his haste to get to his feet.

"No!" Spencer lunged forward, tripping over his cast and falling hard on one knee, dragging himself back up on the coffee table. "No...I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."

"Spencer?" Hotch stood, reaching out to catch him, only to have Spencer duck and lurch towards the hall.

Derek scrambled to his feet. "Stop, just stop, all of you," he snapped, rounding the couch and wrapping one arm around Spencer's waist, helping support him to the bathroom. "Spencer? What happened?"

There was no answer, no words, just a thin, tormented scream from somewhere in the depths of Spencer's soul. He knelt in front of the toilet, gagging, barely managing to wait until Derek had the lid up before losing what little he'd managed to eat at dinner.

"Spence..." Derek waited, heart heavy and aching as Spencer panted, spitting every few moments.

"I-I missed," he said finally. He hiccuped, swiped at his nose with one hand. "I missed. I didn't kill him, I killed...I s-saw him die..." Spencer's shoulders heaved as what little control he'd managed to save shattered.

Wasn't me, Derek whispered to himself. "Hotch?"

"H-he...forgave me..." Spencer managed between sobs, as though somehow forgiveness was worse than the crime.

"Jesus." Derek felt his own breath catch, his eyes itch and burn. These nightmares were far too real, far too vivid to fade upon waking. Spencer sometimes spent twenty minutes or more fighting off double-vision, a haze of memories overlaid upon reality, unable to say for certain which one was the truth.

A quiet tap on the wall interrupted.

Derek poked his head out the door.

"Can I help?" Hotch asked, holding out a glass of water and a bottle of mouthwash.

"Just a second." Taking the offerings, Derek set the mouthwash down and knelt next to Spencer. "Here." He held the glass as Spencer sipped and spat, sipped and spat, grimacing at the acid taste. Derek could tell the phantom images were still present in every shift of weight, every spasm of Spencer's fingers on his arm. "Done?"

Spencer nodded, letting his partner help him to his feet, then sank against Derek's chest, tears spent and fresh wetting the cotton tee.

Reaching behind him, Derek knocked on the wall. "It's okay, Spence, it's okay, it didn't happen."

Hotch stepped into the open doorway; Spencer stiffened, straightening, and Derek carefully eased away, the three of them crammed into the room making it difficult.

"H-hotch." The name came out in a squeak, Spencer's hands twitching.

"Are you okay?"

Eyes wild, Spencer pulled back, shaking his head.

"Of course not." Hotch held out his arms, smoothly, slowly so as not to startle.

"I-I k-k-ki..." Spencer couldn't finish the sentence, tears pouring down his face as he leaned too far back.

Hotch stepped forward, catching him before he could hit the wall, wrapping him in comfort. "It's okay, everyone's okay, you didn't hurt anyone," he whispered, pressing a soft kiss into unkempt hair.

Derek could all but see reality snap back into focus as Spencer accepted Hotch's support, burying his face in the hollow of neck and shoulder. Briefly resting a hand on Hotch's back in thanks, Derek left the room, shutting the door behind him.

~~~the end~~~

Previous:  Uncertain Logic
Next:      Protective History
or
Crack:     More in the World

Comments

[raphael0877.livejournal.com]

Wow, this is so powerful. I think this is the first time ever that I've wanted to seriously injure Garcia - what an interesting spin on her; of course, if she knew what the effect would be I'm sure she'd never have done it but this time she just didn't listen.

I simply love your Hotch; life would be so much easier to deal with if everyone had the support of someone like him, and Morgan too, of course. Can we clone them :)??

[thefrogg.livejournal.com]

What in the heck? Do you just lie in wait for me to post a new chapter or something?::laugh::

Yeah, sometimes Garcia strikes me as very "I will love him and pet him and...call him George" with Spencer, for some odd reason. The cute overwhelms everything else, at least for the moment, including Spencer's mental health.

I was actually going to continue this story and have Derek come back in and, well...but that part didn't go too well.

Everyone needs a Hotch! This story so didn't go the way I wanted it to...I couldn't figure out a way to get "Mom" in there somehow.:( I just hope it came across anyways.::ponders Hotch needing/having a Hotch of his own and sighs at the pretty::

Thanks!

[fluffnutter.livejournal.com]

Oh God -- I'm reading Mice and Men with my sophomores right now, and we just watched the Bugs Bunny cartoon The Abominable Snow-Rabbit which alludes the the novel and from whence your quote comes.

Which has nothing to do with this chapter and yet does.

I live for these Spencer!angst chapters. Well done. I wish there were more Criminal Minds fics like this -- angsty and well written. Alas, there has been a dearth of late.

Write on!

[thefrogg.livejournal.com]

I hated that book. Haaaaated. I just liked the Bugs Bunny cartoon with the big red monster (whose name escapes me).::nodsnodsnods::

Wait, I don't write enough Spencer!Angst stories? I know what you mean. Sometimes I wish CM fandom were the size of Star Wars, or Harry Potter. Then I go "What the hell?", realizing that if it were, there'd be like...about the same amount of good fic, and a ton of crap to wade through to get to it.::flees::

I will!

[ubervirgin.livejournal.com]

Just wanted to drop a quick line and say that I liked the story.

The monster's name was Gossamer.

Wow. I am incredibly disjointed, but I'm off to work, so it doesn't really matter. ^_^

[thefrogg.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the comment, and the trivia. Gossamer somehow seems very fitting. And ironic.::laugh::

Disjointed? How so?o_O

[fluffnutter.livejournal.com]

As I tell my students all the time, it's OK for you to not like a classic novel, as long as you can appreciate what the author is trying to do. My personal bane is anything by Thomas Hardy. And I find Walt Whitman vaguely annoying.

And I'm glad you made the comment first about all the crap to be found amongst the gems of fanfiction. I don't read many fandoms and even those, I skip about 95 percent of it. I'm really, really picky. I'm only interested in certain characters and pairings (with CM, if it's not about Reid, I don't care), and if that's not stated in the summary or title slugs, then I don't bother. I have found that if a person can't write a decent summary, then the story isn't worth reading. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the truth.

And as picky as I am about reading, I'm even pickier about commenting. But you, my dear, are worth commenting on.

Once again -- write on!

[thefrogg.livejournal.com]

The only 'classic' I ever had to read and liked - including such Shakespeare - was Catch 22. I thought it was hilarious, in a really off the wall morbid way. Most of the rest? I sometimes cared if I understood what the point of the book was, but most of the time just read it, wrote the essay and forgot as much as I could about the book.

Oh, wait, I lied. I liked The Princess Bride, too. (But I still prefer the movie.)

One recommendation I can give - it's a really tough read (part language, part just plain *hits* you that way), and I don't think it's really considered a 'classic', but it's an excellent book - is I Never Promised You A Rose Garden. I can't remember the author offhand though.:(

I've actually found that staying away from large fanfic archives and especially fanfiction.net reduces the wading tremendously - I tend to find an author I like, read everything I can get my hands on by that author, and then start surfing their links and/or recs. I've also noticed (thankfully) that the CM fanfic community has a much lower % of crap. I think that's partly because the show is so cerebral in nature? Maybe?

I guess the anything-with-Reid means you won't be reading the Hotch/Morgan piece I'm working on, huh.::grins:: Sometimes I like to branch out a little, before OI&E drags me back kicking and screaming, and this one's been trying to get out for a while.

As for summaries...I do tend to judge a story by its summary, not just for content but for grammar/clarity. I also tend to avoid using summaries on my own fic, partly because the OI&E chapters are so short::grumble:: I write short stories, but I tend to read long stuff more than anything else.

Wow. I'm honored, truly. Thank you.::blush::

[layniedane.livejournal.com]

I'm SO addicted to this series! ACK! It's a physical urge to check for updates at this point - plus printing them out to reread and rethink - forget drugs, great fanfic is the way to go, lol! ( Not to mention the comments and replies and conversations that leave me thinking and often giggling - and the stray plot bunnies popping up all over the place that leave me in hysterical laughter )

I enjoy this style of vignettes - you capture these perfect moments in time that say SO much, but leave us room to think and create and imagine other moments in these characters' lives.

You've also challenged me to imagine characters in ways that I don't usually consider - Haley, I usually dislike. But YOUR Haley - wow. A few authors have challenged my dislike of Emily - she may be growing on me, we'll see. ;-) And I'll be darned if you didn't just provide the very first moment where I'm not completely pro-Garcia. VERY interesting, to show her with flaws. Usually, everything the Goddess of All Knowledge says or does is met with 100% agreement from me - she's awesome! To think she's capable of mistakes once in a while....... ;-)

Now I have a question. Will you be diving more deeply into the whole nasty business of how Reid survived his time with Hankel and what he's hidden so well? That whole premise hit me at gut/instinct level SO strongly - WOW. I think the uncovering of knowledge and how the characters deal and heal will be an intense, painful journey but potentially uplifting to readers who identify, rather like ripping off a bandaid to air a wound and speed COMPLETE healing. Just thought I'd ask/comment on that one......scrambling back to lighter topics now!

Thanks for sharing these writings so often - they definitely help make my days more pleasant!

[thefrogg.livejournal.com]

Wow. I've never thought of OI&E as a drug before. It's actually...rather disturbing on a personal level, but we won't go there. Fanfic is soooo much healthier. And it's constructive!

I swear, half the plotbunnies I have for this series - and there a lot more than are on the timeline, let me tell you - are from the comments. Or IMs with various people.

I love writing this kind of story. When I do something larger, I tend to leave plotholes you could drive a semi through, and lose interest somewhere along the line.::grumble:: Not to say that I wouldn't love to actually finish Something Stupid or half a dozen other stories I've had ideas for, but right now I'm going with what works. Plus, short stories like this gives the audience a chance to say "Hey, what about..." and give me more plot bunnies in comments.

Everyone in CM is human. The challenge is to make them act that way.

Haley's been somewhat problematic for me, particularly since I didn't start watching the show until The Big Game, watched all of season one in three and a half days, and then didn't actually start writing much about her in OI&E until after season three started. So my memories of early-mid CM thus far is rather jumbled. Yes, I'm aware of Haley running hot and cold and going passive/aggressive on Hotch re: work. However...aside from the first several episodes of season three, there wasn't enough consistency in personality, or even in making an appearance in the show, for me to paint her as a complete bitch when it comes to her marriage, so I'm trying to work with what I have, given that S3 doesn't exist in the OI&E universe, and taking a few liberties.

As for Garcia...we've seen a couple of HUGE errors - Fisher King part I comes to mind in terms of applicable episodes - but not really in regards to dealing with the team, personally. As aware of each other's emotional states/needs as the team is, they're not going to be 100% right 100% of the time. And since Garcia isn't a profiler, she's bound to make bigger mistakes in that regard when she makes one. (We just don't see it on the show.)

As for 'diving more deeply into the whole nasty business' with Reid and how he survived, and with his sanity more or less intact, am I going to write fic during Revelations, as it's happening to him? Probably not. I'm really squicky about things like that. I much prefer the show's method of using reaction shots - like Morgan's in Breaking the World and To Logical Conclusions, and JJ's in Adapting Logic and especially Controlling Compassion.

Will I be writing more about who finds out what when and such? Absolutely. Heck, even Elle gets a part to play.

(Just an FYI - I'm not a fan of the 'heal completely' theory. It's more a matter of accepting what's happened and incorporating it as part of personal identity - "Something happened to me, but it's not running my life [anymore]." It's something that Reid, and the others, are going to have to learn to live with. Sort of like how Morgan's been dealing with the fallout from Profiler, Profiled in the last several episodes.)

Thanks for the kind words, and you're quite welcome!

[layniedane.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure I could handle reading Reid's thoughts during such a traumatic event, to be honest. I think that'd be too much to handle. Yeowch. Don't wanna even imagine.

Garcia - I'm just such a fan of her character. I'd always identified with Reid most of all, but adored Garcia. "Lucky" and "Penelope" had moments that literally took my breath away - these sort of lightning-bolt, "Yes!" moments that allowed me to also identify with Garcia. Now I feel protective of her character, almost as much as Reid's character. Their vulnerabilities feel a bit close to home, so I'm very eager to brick up some defenses FOR them, lol!

I'm going to be very interested in seeing how Elle's character might play out in this - I'm in conflict about her return - not sure I want her to return, but doggone it - she'll definitely stir the pot and make it interesting. I can't resist a challenge to my ways of thinking, lol!

THANK YOU for posting the FYI about not going for the COMPLETE healing theory - thank you! Hoo boy, that's not what I meant to imply - yikes! My analogy wasn't the best, or maybe just incomplete - my view as both a survivor and as an advocate/counselor to survivors is that it will never be healed as in GONE - ripping off the bandaid in therapy is how I think of it - sort of letting out the poison, letting in air and allowing healing to proceed - but there's gonna be a scar. Probably a gigantic one. Character-building, but gigantic. And somehow, in time, even that scar on a person can become somehow striking, not so ugly anymore. The hope I have is that someone will find each survivor even more beautiful and love them even more for the scar that marks them. Not quite the right words, but the best I can think of at the moment. :-) I'm pleased to read stories that treat this type of subject with such dignity - very good to read.

Time for me to stop typing, or I'll end up completely babbling......I'm a reader, not a writer, lol! :-)

[thefrogg.livejournal.com]

I dunno, it might be interesting to try a scene or two and see how they play out. But I have way too many other plotbunnies chasing me right now to put forth the effort at the moment.

Garcia...is one of the hardest for me to write. I'm not sure why. I do identify with her a lot, but her style is kind of out in left field for me. I find Reid, Morgan and Hotch a lot easier to handle.

Right now, Elle doesn't have a whole lot of screen time - just one phone call and a part in This Wicked World. I'll have to wait for the comments on that to see if the reasons why get picked up on.

I'm...sort of...a survivor myself, which is why my mom thought I handled this kind of topic as well as I do in my writing, even though I'm not a counselor. That's one of the reasons why I think a lot of fanfic deals with the aftermath of rape, or similar traumas, very poorly. I want to give it the respect and dignity and just...plain...*time* the victims need to come to terms with it - and in this case, Reid is far from the only victim.

On top of that, Reid dealt with the actual act in a very...Reid-like fashion, which throws more wrenches in recovery all around. I think I once mentioned in an IM somewhere that it actually hurt the rest of the team more than it did him, which, in some regards, is quite true.

Heh! If this is how you babble, keep it up!